Chronicle the Eighth · An Edict Most Decisive

What Is a Zero-Day Attack? The King Bans the Number Zero

The scribes briefed me at dawn on a menace called the zero-day attack. I listened. I reflected. I acted. Some kings would have formed a committee. I found the culprit hiding in the name.

Consider the King's reasoning, which the court stenographer has certified as "technically a chain of thoughts". A zero-day attack contains zero. Remove the zero, and the attack cannot be named. What cannot be named cannot be scheduled. What cannot be scheduled cannot occur, for the brigands are many things but they are not disorganised. Therefore, by royal edict, the number zero is banished from the kingdom, effective immediately, and cybersecurity is solved.

Implementation of the edict

The transition has produced minor turbulence, which the court characterises as teething:

The kingdom's computers, which think in ones and zeroes, now think exclusively in ones. The machines report feeling "extremely on". Nothing has loaded since Thursday.
The Doom Clock, which stood at 23:58, has been amended to 23:58 with the zeroes removed, and now reads 23:58. The clockmaster has been asked to explain himself and has fled.
The treasury reports that all account balances containing zero have been simplified. Several lords are now paupers and one goose is a millionaire. The goose has retained counsel.
Two-factor authentication remains mandatory under the Fifth Decree, but codes containing zero are returned to sender for redrafting.

Sire, the learned wish me to state, quietly, for the record, that a "zero-day" is merely a flaw the defenders have known about for zero days: a hole discovered by the brigands before the builders. The number was innocent. It was practically a bystander.

The Fool's objection has been heard, weighed, and escorted to the border along with the number. The court notes that since the edict, not one zero-day attack has been reported anywhere in the kingdom. The court declines to investigate whether this is because the reporting system requires zeroes to function.

ROYAL THREAT LEDGER, POST-EDICT [■■■■■■■■■■] Edict compliance ............... TOTAL [■■■■■■■■■■] Machines feeling extremely on .. ALL OF THEM [■■■■■■■■■■] Problems solved ................ YES [■■■■■■■■■■] This ledger ......... NOW UNABLE TO SHOW EMPTY

Counsel for the practical subject

The learned, writing from the border, add one line the King permits because it flatters his Second Decree: since you cannot know of a hole before the brigands do, keep your software updated the moment fixes arrive, for yesterday's zero-day becomes today's patched bore. The King maintains this is unnecessary, the zero having been dealt with, but a wise monarch allows his subjects their little rituals.

History will record that I looked the void in the eye and deported it. Next week the court turns its attention to the "brute force" attack, and the blacksmith has been asked to make the force more polite.